The daily space and the unity of the parental couple represent for the child a framework and containment for his growth and his affections, offering him a necessary experience of continuity in which he can be the one to change while everything else remains stable. When this framework is suddenly missing, on the other hand, everything risks becoming uncertain and the child could experience a sense of confusion and unpredictability regarding what surrounds him.
The following question often arises: when faced with a marital separation, is it automatic for the child to suffer as a result? There is nothing that automatically and a priori triggers the same type of suffering, nothing that can predictably associate a cause with a precise effect. What makes the difference is the way and time with which something happens within a person’s life, be they an adult or a child.
What is always connected to suffering is the unsaid or the lie, even if these proliferate in the name of someone’s “good”. Often, even and especially in cases of separation, it is thought that for “the good of the child” it is right to omit or lie about some things, when in reality it is important for the child to warn that his parents do not hide things to say. What is truly fundamental for a child is that, although separated, his parents continue to be both responsible for his life. This parental responsibility is also demonstrated in clearly speaking to your children about the difficulties you face and what decisions you intend to make in this regard. This constitutes a painful but necessary moment. On the other hand, children, even young ones, are often more aware of parental conflicts than one might imagine, as well as of what their parents are developing in terms of decisions and changes. In this sense, a child is always and inevitably involved in the separation, he experiences it first hand even when he is kept in the dark about everything. The fact of not being consulted does not protect him from suffering and error. In order not to create a profound imbalance in the child, he should make him feel authorized to talk about the problem he is facing. Separation should become a shared reality and it is desirable that both parents together report this decision to their child. Even if the child tends to stay out of the parental dispute, the adults who participate in the event should involve him, not so much in their problems but in his, in the fears he experiences regarding what will become of him, of his bonds , of his anxieties regarding change. However, awareness of what the child is experiencing must be achieved in the times and ways most suited to the age and personality of the child.
Marriage now involves the possibility of interruption which must be taken into account without this triggering the game of blame, condemnation and punishment. The less guilt there is, the greater sense of responsibility parents will acquire. Being able to obtain a condition that is, at the same time, free and responsible is the common goal that unites the members of a family beyond the conflicts that have separated them and that makes it possible to be parents even when one has ceased to be a couple, to to be spouses. In therapy it is possible to work on these two poles: sense of guilt and responsibility, so that a harmonious balance of family ties can be found.
The double track of guilt:
parents …
Marital separation often places a parent faced with a sense of guilt that originates from making a decision that involves an experience of loss for their child. A parent is naturally predisposed to offer protection and reassurance to their child. Having to communicate to him instead a decision that inevitably involves a sense of loss, confusion and instability triggers in the parent the fear of causing injury to his child and undermining the sense of trust he has towards him. Unfortunately it is not possible to protect children from the suffering that conflict between parents produces. However, a shield can be created that can help the child cope with this inevitable suffering, offering him a dimension in which his emotional and relational life can improve by renewing the stability and predictability of relationships. How to succeed in such an undertaking? By working on oneself, doing therapeutic work that can deepen family ties and the aspects that led to the separation.
The parent can talk to the child about something that will undoubtedly cause him pain, but which must not therefore become a silent trauma. Omission and lies block the evolutionary dynamic much more than suffering. In the case of separation, the harshness is in the events and the conversations can only prepare the child for the difficulties he will encounter and allow him to live, as far as possible, not as an object of other people’s lives but as a subject of his own. The child understands, beyond the content of the message, that he is considered a human person and that there is no intention of manipulating him like an object. The word humanizes, while silence or deception animalizes the child who will then resort to symptoms (for example vomiting, coughing, aggression, hyperactivity, disobedient behavior, apathy, isolation, insomnia, colic, etc.) to express discomfort who is unable to communicate otherwise.
when the child is able to intervene in the management of his own life, when he is authorized to talk about what he feels and thinks, conflicts become formative. In the name of the child’s right to become free, autonomous and independent, the absolute defense of infantile tranquility could be debunked because, as the psychoanalyst F. Dolto stated, “a child’s purpose is not to be happy, but to become an adult ”. Children are more capable than ever of accepting and facing the reality they experience. The fact that they experience it proves that they unconsciously accept it and face it, but we need to talk about it so that this reality becomes conscious and humanizable for them. Conflicts should not be avoided or hidden, but recognized and made formative for the child’s growth. Often we choose not to face them with our children because we want to avoid anguish first and foremost for ourselves. Believing that they cannot handle the situation often hides the fragility of the parent himself compared to not being able to handle that pain. Even more so when one believes one is guilty of having created the conditions of marital separation. From here I underline, once again, the importance that a therapy oriented in this sense could have.
A situation of conflict between parents disturbs the child just as deeply as separation. In a certain sense, separation allows you to get rid of the quarrelsome atmosphere and provides a solution for the children too. For the latter, separation is often a mysterious thing, but it should not remain so and be explained as a responsible act on the part of the parents. It is important that the following message is passed on to the child: separation is a lesser evil, like a surgical operation that takes away what no longer lives in the body, which was engaged in a deadly process. When the couple’s living climate produces suffering, when the desire to continue to keep that couple alive dies, the objective of separation is to put an end to that suffering. In fact, in addition to the dangers that family disintegration could entail, there are also positive elements because the child is urged to become autonomous, to rely on his own strength. Provided that independence appears as an achievement rather than as an imposition due to the suspension of parental responsibility towards it.
…and children
The child feels he is the center of the world, he has the impression of being the cause of everything. When something happens that makes him suffer, or that makes some other person suffer, he believes that he caused it. Even in the case of separation between parents, the child may believe that he was the one who caused everything, making himself so guilty of it that he does not feel worthy of love and protection. From here, any relationship seems to acquire for him a character of instability and unreliability, uncertainty regarding his own value and the possibility of being loved.
It is important that the parents, when they announce their intention to separate, say that they do not regret having brought the child into the world otherwise the child will think that his parents regret everything about their union, given that they want to distance themselves the one from the other. He may believe that his parents destroy not only them as a couple, but also the love they have for him. If you don’t explain this to him, if you don’t make him recognize that the parent-child relationship follows unique and different paths from that between a couple of adults, something could happen that alters his profound balance. As F. Dolto explains, “we should avoid the child being led to imagine this: since his parents no longer love each other, then they no longer love the other parent in him.” The child needs every parent to tell him: “I don’t regret it, because you were born! This suffering is not useless because you represent a victory for this couple.”
Conclusion
Given these complex and delicate dynamics, it is advisable for couples who separate to make use of a professional space to support parenting, especially when faced with the feeling of not being able to cope with the emotional impact that this event entails for themselves and for their children. own children.
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